How to help siblings work together

HIBERNATION HUB

This week we respond to a parent SOS on supporting different aged siblings to work collaboratively.

It’s a subject close to our hearts as Montessori classrooms are vertically grouped, meaning we actively encourage older children to work with younger and vice versa. This is a rarity in the education system, but an idea that’s gaining traction. 

The benefits are many. Simply put, children love to learn from other children. They are eager teachers and amazingly attentive students. Older children reinforce their skills by demonstrating them, which in turn builds a natural sense of responsibility, empathy and patience. Younger children are universally drawn to older children and, when included in their work, feel valued. It's not surprising therefore that younger siblings tend to develop motor skills, language, manners, and communication faster than only children.

“To segregate by age …breaks the bonds of social life, deprives it of nourishment.” Montessori, 1988

In a Montessori classroom the vertical grouping is obviously amongst peers rather than family, but tutoring between siblings reflects a natural organisation of learning. Encourage it where you can. But at home, in their safe space, a child will be more relaxed and able to express themselves, which can lead to greater conflict between siblings and vying for your attention. Encouraging collaboration can be tricky, particularly given the current circumstances. So how as parents, can we support our children to work successfully alongside each other?

Foster focus

Above all else, children should be free to concentrate on their activity, whatever that might be. A child that is interrupted by a parent or sibling will become easily distracted and a less independent learner. Refrain from judging what is ‘useful’ learning and respect any (safe) activity which is holding your toddlers' focus, it’s all contributing to their development so leave them be. 

If an unfocused sibling is interrupting, attempt to redirect that child onto another activity and if it's becoming a regular problem, try adjusting the environment to create some separation. This might mean moving some furniture, creating a new work space or simply closing a door.

Take turns 

We regularly hear from parents upset because their toddler can’t share. It’s no wonder, sharing is a complex idea with moveable goalposts and most won’t grasp it until at least aged 4 when they begin to engage in more cooperative play. Before this, toddlers are driven by impulse.

Imagine you’re part way through an amazing novel and someone takes it from you and hands it to your friend. Not only would it break your focus, you’d be pretty annoyed. Play is a child’s work and as adults we must get better at respecting it as that. It might not surprise you to learn therefore that we don’t force children to share in a Montessori space, instead we have a simple and easy to understand rule; we take turns. Each child can use a material for as long as they want to, uninterrupted, and then they return it and someone else can use it. The waiting child is learning a useful life skill. 

Introducing this idea at home will take time and repetition, but pay dividends. Support the frustrated, waiting child with empathy and teach the less dominant child to be assertive on their turn. Reiterate the simple rule over and over and as they get older, don’t be tempted to always step in, working through disagreements aids development. 

If a particularly popular toy is causing a regular problem, a visual aid such as a sand timer to signify turns might reduce the squabbling. 

Encourage teamwork

As cited in our observation blog we suggest choosing activities based on your child's interests, however there are a few open ended classics that cut across age groups, abilities and encourage collaboration. They include duplo, lego, blocks, magnatiles, junk modelling and even household chores. If needed, siblings can work separately and then bring their creations together as one.

Use Positive language 

As always, it's important to model the behaviour you want to see and use positive language to pinpoint and reinforce what’s been achieved. You could say: ‘It seems you had fun playing together, it was so lovely to watch you building the tower together’. Being this specific is far more effective than ‘well done’ or ‘good job’.

Karen Partridge founded Playhood and is mum to a two year old.

Laura Perfetti is an experienced Montessorian and Playhood Head of School.

To hear first about new blog posts and lockdown activities follow us on Instagram.

Playhood members enjoy expert-led, alongside peer-peer, coaching and troubleshooting as part of their membership. If you’d like to hear more we’d love to chat.