Experiments in friendship
Why Playhood is the perfect lab for our little scientists.
As the Playhood kids move from being toddlers (1-3) to preschoolers (3-5), we’ve seen their vocabulary explode and with it, a shift from parallel-play to teamwork. They are problem-solving and risk-assessing together on a daily basis. They are recognising unique qualities and shared interests in each other. They are experimenting with friendship.
Testing their ideas in the safety of the Playhood lab during what Montessori called the ‘social embryonic’ stage is critical to learning how relationships work in the wider world. Their exploration is healthy and normal, and will last until they are around six when they experience a powerful leap in their brain development. At this point, reverse-thinking and the ability to understand empathy and injustice comes into play.
It is common for us to hear them naming their “best” friend, or someone who isn’t their friend, that they only like playing with girls or they don’t want someone to play with their activity. They might use body language to reinforce their preference and conflict can follow. Favourites can change in a heartbeat or last for months. Rest assured, they are not being rude or malicious; they simply don’t have the concept and the dynamics of “friendship” locked yet!
As adults, when we overhear these exchanges it’s tempting to swoop in and attempt to ‘fix’ things, perhaps by shutting-down a conversation, interrupting play or giving a lesson in kindness and manners. We might feel uncomfortable and worry about someone being upset or triggered if our own child might be seen as unkind or rough by another child (or their parents).
But at Playhood we’d argue that our role as reflective, prepared practitioners and parents is to do the exact opposite.
In the nursery we sit back to observe and create compassionate breathing space for these interactions. We view them through a developmental lens rather than our adult expectation lens. We avoid ascribing fixed meaning to words or making assumptions about others’ reactions. We remind ourselves that our mature brains have the capacity to handle friction and not pass judgement. In short, our role as guides is first to ensure everyone is safe, and then to normalise the children’s social experiments with minimal interruption.
From an early age in a Montessori classroom the children play an important role in assisting and caring for each other, skills which lay the foundations for the development of theory of mind. At around four there is a leap in understanding other people's thoughts, feelings and needs. We see this growth of empathy as a core Playhood characteristic, but accept we are sowing seeds for a long-term trait that we hope will be key to the children building successful relationships throughout their lives.
It’s incredible to see that (most of the time) the older children can now verbally settle disputes themselves. They find their voice and stand up for their rights. If we’d interfered, their negotiation and advocacy skills would be less developed. When we do intervene, it’s by role-modelling emotional literacy both to the children and each other, which the children absorb, just as they do at home from family members. Between ourselves we role play scenarios and replay reactions exploring esteem and trust. We seek to create a culture of kindness and an expectation of the way we treat each other without the need to correct or scold.
Crucially, we respect the children’s right to choose their own friends and to have favourites. There are times we might actually suggest a child plays alone and we safeguard their space when they do. We enjoy these choices, so why shouldn’t the children? We don’t expect cordial relations all of the time, but the children have cultivated strong bonds that deepen the magic of their shared experiences here. These earliest friendships will endure the years and distance.
The fellowship of Playhood.
Karen Partridge and Laura Perfetti
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